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> Local council complaints
post 7 Nov 2016, 17:44
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This appeared in a magazine from my local classic car club (in Alberta!) but I suspect its origins are British and it might be very ancient. Supposedly these are complaints received from tenants of a local council:

1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and
burnt my knob off.
3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly
when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I
think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife
tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and
50% are just plain filthy.
11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour
and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every
morning at 6AM his c**k wakes me up and it's now getting too
much for me.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which
is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a
third, so please send someone round to do something about it..
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you
please do something about the noise made by the man on top of
me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy
my wife.
20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still
have no satisfaction.
21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't
get BBC.
22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage
has fungus growing in it.
23. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just
can't take it anymore.
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Fred Oldham
post 7 Nov 2016, 18:12
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Not sure whether some are complaining or bragging. Either way it sounds like a very interesting place to live.
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post 7 Nov 2016, 18:25
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The language is good old British as she are spoke so I think you are right as to its origins Bob. They are probably genuine complaints although I suspect some of them may have been embroidered by Council workers with nothing better to do.

Still, Very amusing.

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